Trying To Be Strong!

     Although I am still struggling with my emotions I am trying to be strong! I have difficulty sleeping most nights though. I am told that everything will be fine and there was somewhat of a ray of hope today when I got called for a possible job. We shall see how it goes?? I am really struggling though with the thought that I may end up spending the rest of my life alone. I know I have the love of my kids which is the only thing holding me together some days! I am blessed beyond measure to have them! However, sometimes I need the companionship of a spouse. Oh, and Daniel wants to fight me over custody of our daughter so it may get ugly! Anyhow, I am hoping that as I begin working toward improving my health that I will find peace in this mess. I will continue to pray!

Human Emotion vs. Taking the high Road?

       As most people know by now, Daniel and I have separated for good this time! I keep telling myself everything will work out fine, I will find happiness one day, and that there should be no bitterness. Yes, that is me trying to take the high road! My natural human emotion though is telling me that it is not ok, there is something seriously wrong with you when you have had two marriages in which neither ever truly loved you enough to put in the effort to make it work, you are too fat to find anyone else while he is already easily able to find a new relationship, and it just isn't ok that everything is going well for him while your life is in pieces with no job, vehicle, etc... So, each day I battle between holding a hopeful smile on my face and truly wanting to bury my head in the sand and just die! Not literally die, but figuratively. Then, there is the whole who is on my side and who is on his side, who can I feel comfortable talking to that will really listen, and how do you talk to friends who went to church with both of you and love both of you without sounding like a total whining baby or worse a ?,Well, I think you get the point! I have to smile and say it is ok, he is still a good guy and we will be friends, but honestly, some days I would like to go mobster on his behind! I often wonder if I will ever sort my thoughts out and well, let's face it, being out of my depression meds is not helping anyone,lol! Am I destined to always be that girl who never finds someone to look at her and think she is the best part of his world or will I find that guy that will love me when I am sick with something as simple as a cold or as major as cancer, if I gain 50-100lbs, when I do not feel like doing the dishes, or when I am just plain moody? I have been on my own with the kids for nearly 2 months now and I still cry myself to sleep some nights, have nightmares,and often stay up all night with thoughts running through my head. Usually, it is me thinking should I have went ahead and continued to be with someone unhappily rather than be alone. Somehow I would like to say it is better to be alone, but really I am not sure if that is true. Sometimes I am so confused I feel like I have multiple personalities! Anyhow, I continue to pray, read scriptures daily, and as my head begins to droop more each day I keep forcing it up! I suppose I am just venting and letting those that want to know what is going on in my life beyond the typical I had a decent day know how I am truly doing right now. I always feel like I am whining and nobody wants to hear negativity all the time so I keep it all inside, but I guess you just got to let it out sometimes. So there it is! That is where this girl is at right now!